Thursday, December 13, 2012

Sense of Humor Required

I have a funny story and some cute pictures to share. This is no guarantee that I will continue blogging or that it will be anything that can be considered "consistent," but I do like writing and sometimes I narrate blog posts in my mind. Maybe more of them will start to be published now that I have a good one to two hours of peace and quiet each afternoon while my beautiful babies take their naps.

I have not started my Christmas shopping. It is December 13th. This is pretty typical for me, however, it is not very smart considering I now have two children who can both be referred to as babies. Two babies. They are darling and they are fun, but they make things a little more challenging.

This, combined with the fact that I have been cooped up in the house all week with a case of the stomach flu and a special kind of infection that only nursing mothers can get, I decided today was the day I would begin my Christmas shopping. With two babies.

Old Navy was my first stop.

Usually when I arrive somewhere I do some quick math in my head as to when Beck ate last, when he will need to eat again, when Harper pooped last, when she will poop again and the equation tells me whether I need my diaper bag or not. I don't bring my diaper bag inside with me everywhere I go because I'm already carrying a 21 pound carseat on one arm and a 21 pound 18-month-old on the other with a purse slung over my shoulder and I figure if need be I can always run out to the car and grab it.

I walked in and got everyone situated into the cart and Harper immediately wanted out because she saw the dog statue. I tried to ignore her and headed back to the toddler section but she was still crying about wanting to get out and see the dog. So I let her down. She started making a bee-line for the front of the store because she somehow knew in her little brain exactly where the dog was and how to get back to him. {OK, I will concede for the sake of the other people in the store who are listening to my child's tantrum and we will go see the dog.} Luckily a few pats on his back was all she needed and I convinced her to come back and shop with me. The good part about going back to the front of the store was a nice worker woman was standing there this time telling me about the specials. Baby items were buy 3 get one free! {We're in business.}

Harper's section had some dang cute stuff and I was going a little nutso over the colored skinny jeans. Then Beck started fussing. Took him out. Still fussing. Now both babies were not in the cart but it was still somehow overflowing (carseats will do that to any cart) and I was still pushing it. I checked my handy dandy mommy app and realized it had been 2+ hours since Beck ate last. Due to the aforementioned special mommy infection, he was eating less at each feeding and getting hungry more frequently. {Shoot, no diaper bag.}

I checked the bathroom but it was not going to cut it as a feeding station. Trying to avoid going back out to the car for the diaper bag and subsequently the nursing cover, I took my cart full of crap and my two babies to the fitting rooms and asked the nice lady there, "I know this is kind of weird but can I feed my baby in a fitting room?"

Her response: "I have no idea," combined with a slightly annoyed look.

It was then that I noticed her purse and the fact that she was not an Old Navy employee. {So awesome.} I  apologized profusely and proceeded to let myself into a fitting room. The big handicapped one. Anyone with two babies and a cart full of crap is considered handicapped in my opinion.

I sat down and started feeding Beck and Harper was having fun checking herself out in the mirror and saying "You!" every time she caught her reflection. I was just laughing at her and regaining my composure and then she froze and grunted and squished her face. Crap. Literally. Harper pooped and still no diaper bag. {OK that's fine, I'll just have to go get it after all. No big deal.}

I continued doing my business and looked over just as Harper's sweet little hand reached up and grabbed the door handle and pulled it down and OPENED THE DOOR!!! Proud mommy moment right there: she opened the door for the first time! Not the most convenient of times as my you-know-what was in clear sight for all Old Navy shoppers to see but luckily no one was standing there and I managed to run over there and close it just in time.

{Crisis averted.}

I finished the feeding and we headed out to get the diaper bag. Harper was helping me "push" the cart while I carried Beck with one arm and steered with the other. Somehow we managed to make it to the front of the store and I realized Beck had puked all over both of us. Still no diaper bag... Which means no spit rag. {OK I'm just going to pretend that didn't happen for now.}

I parked the cart right by the door and left everything in it and picked up Harper and as I was heading out the door I told the nice worker woman who told me about the awesome specials that I would be right back. Then I took my two babies out into the frigid air with no jackets or blankets because I had left them in the cart. {I am such an awesome mom.}

We hurried back in and Harper again helped me push the cart all the way back to the bathroom. Halfway through changing her someone else tried to come in. I knew they were going to be waiting awhile but what can you do? I was handicapped after all. When I finished with Harper I bribed her with a granola bar and managed to get her back into the cart. I gave the woman waiting to use the restroom an apologetic smile... Harper's poopy diapers are not for the faint of heart. Eric can't handle them unless he's armed with a can of air freshener. She may have changed her mind about needing to use the restroom but I didn't stick around to find out.

I obviously could not pass up the deals and we had come all this way plus I actually put makeup on today so I did what any sane handicapped person would do: I continued shopping. After going a little crazy and then reigning myself in and making some cuts, I was ready to check out. Remember the granola bar? Well it was chocolate. And it was now all over Harper's hands and her cute little face. {Oh well... A girl's gotta eat. Plus she's quiet and happy.}

The cashier says hello followed by "Are you by chance Eric Bready's wife?" {Why yes, yes I am. Although I'm not sure he would want to claim me at this very moment. I look a little incompetent and bimbo-ish with my newborn covered in puke in my arm and my 18-month-old covered in chocolate holding the brand new clothes I'm about to buy.} "Yeah! Who are you?" I stumbled through the awkward conversation that followed, took my bag and receipt and headed towards the doors again.

It took me a good five minutes standing at the front doors trying to get Beck back into his carseat and getting Harper cleaned up and gathering up my cart full of crap all while new customers were walking in and probably wishing they hadn't. That nice worker woman who told me about the awesome specials was still there and just as I was about to leave she told me I was very brave with a sweet smile on her face.

Old Navy was my last stop.